Death of Me
by Raven's Bard
Summary: Xander's thoughts on being left out. No Anya or Riley. Start of Fourth season.
1. Death of Me

Title: Death of Me (1/1)   
Author: Raven's Bard   
E-mail: ravensbard78@yahoo.com   
Pairing: BX   
Disclaimer: Nothing in the Buffyverse belongs to me. Joss owns it all.   
Rating: R   
Spoilers: Start of fourth season   
Distribution: Just tell me where it's going.   
Summary: Xander's thoughts on being left out. No Anya or Riley.   
Notes: Had an itch to write this. Couldn't wait. I'm still writing the New Start Universe. 

********** 

She was going to be the death of me. 

I knew that the instant I saw Buffy on that sunny day only a few years ago. Walking up the steps to high school, her hair radiant and shining in the sunlight. 

I nearly died the first time I saw her. Not by a heart attack or anything like that. Just a simple steel bar that I failed to see in my admiration of her. Almost cracked my head open on the steps when I landed. 

That was always happening with me whether I liked it or not. Always getting hurt trying to protect her. Buffy didn't need my help that often, but sometimes I was the only one between her and certain death. I didn't let her down. And I'm only thinking of two occasions in particular. 

The first time I was able to save her life, she had been drowned by a master vampire. I was the only one who could save her. Her boyfriend, Angel, couldn't because he was a vampire. A vampire with a soul, but that didn't matter. He may be able to talk but Angel didn't have the control to perform CPR. He would have probably crushed her chest or something if he'd have tried. I wasn't about to take the risk that he would hurt her. So I gave her my breath and prayed it would be enough. 

It was. 

Buffy survived and went on to fight the one who killed her. Boy was he surprised. 

The other time I saved her was when the Hellmouth had opened. I stopped a bomb from going off below Buffy and the rest of them while they were above trying to close it. The explosion wouldn't have hurt the Hellmouth, but it would have killed all of them. 

They had tried to keep me away that night. 'To keep me from being hurt' I suppose. Didn't they understand it was my choice? If I got hurt, or even killed, helping them then my life would have meant something. I didn't want to end up like dear old dad said I would: a friendless loser with no hope for a future and never make a bit of difference in this world. 

It seemed the drunken slob had been predicting my future when he said that. I noticed my friends needed my help less and less after that night the Hellmouth opened. They pushed me away when I needed them. 

Willow was too busy trying to prove herself to Oz. Since I was the reason their relationship was strained, she ignored me and avoided me. 

Cordelia, who I was falling for until my mistake with Willow, simply acted as if I didn't exist. I know I caused her pain and while I used to want that, after seeing the face beneath her mask, I can't stand knowing I brought her pain. 

Giles was too busy with the upcoming Ascension of the Mayor's. He never really needed my help, and was usually irritated at my attempts to lighten the mood. I was only trying to keep everyone from becoming bogged down in the horrors that we faced. If despair and depression hit them they wouldn't be able fight at their peak. If laughing at me would help then I'd become the court jester, but they never understood or appreciated that. 

Wesley was too caught up in Cordelia to care about anyone else. He was less help than they thought I was, but they kept him around more than I. 

Brood boy obsessed over Buffy so much he couldn't see my pain or anything else. Not that I would ever want his help with anything. 

And Buffy. 

She worried about Faith, Angel, and the Mayor. I guess I can understand her not being able to spare some time for me. I can't fault her for putting the world and her boyfriend problems above me. It was only natural for her to focus on those things first. 

Just when I thought they were going to push me away from them for good, Buffy brought me back. She needed my help to organize a battle and set up some explosives. I was thrilled to be able to help them again. I thought things were going to go back to normal after that. 

Summer came and went with very little fanfare, or at least very little slayage. Cordelia, Wesley and Angel left to parts unknown while Willow, Buffy, and Oz went off to college. Giles took some time to relax and I found myself stuck in my parent's basement. I didn't mind that so much as long as I could help Buffy. 

For a while, that's what I did. I worked odd jobs during the day and helped Buffy slay at night. We worked well together. I distracted them and she staked them. But it wasn't long until she started pushing me away again. The nights we slayed together became few and far between. 

But I didn't give up on her. I continued trying to stay with her, protecting her as best as I could. But in the end it didn't matter. Last night she pushed me away again just like the previous few weeks and went out alone. 

She didn't come back. 

I called the others, but they didn't listen. Willow was with Oz lately and didn't notice whether Buffy came home or not. Giles told me not to worry, there were no prophecies lately that could have caused any problems and there were no bodies found last night. None of them thought anything could be wrong. 

They didn't believe me anymore. 

They didn't trust my judgement anymore. 

And they didn't listen anymore. 

My friends were gone. For the past few hours, I have laid here in my dank basement wondering if they ever really were my friends. Willow never really knew me, she only saw the boy who was willing to befriend her when she was little. Oz never really knew me, he was too busy with Willow. Giles never really knew me, he only saw the clownish boy who often annoyed him. 

Buffy was the closest to knowing me because she was the only one I let my mask down for. I tried to show her how much she meant to me, to let her see what I saw in her, but every time I did she turned away. I think she knew how much I cared, but was afraid. 

Afraid she might lose me if she let me in. 

A knock at my window interrupts my thoughts. Who in the world would be coming by at this time a night? I grab the stake from under my pillow as I head to the single window of my basement. 

"Buffy! You're alive!" I shout joyously as I open the window. "Where have you been?" 

"Hey, Xand," she replies weakly and takes her hand from her left arm showing a bloodied palm. "Do you still have that first aid kit?" 

"Oh god. Get in here," I implore helping her down. I help her over to my bed tossing my stake aside before heading over to the workbench to get the first aid kit. I crouch in front of her opening the kit. "Um, we're gonna have to take off that coat and shirt so I can get to your wound." 

"Sure, Xand. You just want to see me topless," she smirks as I help her out of her coat. 

"Well, I'm only human," I say with a grin. The shirt is harder to remove, and in the end I have to get a small knife from my nightstand to cut it off her. "You can borrow a shirt when I'm done with this." 

"You mean to tell me you've gotten me halfway undressed and you want me to put clothes back on? Who are you and what have you done with Xander?" she jokes as I seal up the gash with butterfly bandages. With her Slayer's healing, she will have it healed by tomorrow afternoon. 

"Well, it's just to help you keep warm," I say as I finish and close up the kit. "But if you don't want to, I'll be more than happy to help keep you warm," I grin waggling my brow. 

Buffy laughs, releasing that crystaline sound that I love to hear. "I might have to take you up on that, Xander." 

What? I must have been hearing things or just misinterpreted what she meant. "What.. what do you mean by that?" I stutter out. 

"I've been thinking about things, and realized how much you've done for me. Things I've never thanked you for," she says quietly. "I know you've always been there for me no matter how much I push you away and I just wanted to thank you. And ask you something." 

"I don't do those things for thanks. You don't have to thank me for something that I think I have to do," I reply looking away. 

"What do you mean?" 

I sigh and turn back to Buffy. "I decided a long time ago that I would help you, keep you safe, for as long as I could because if I did I would have actually done something with my life. You are special Buffy. You deserve as much out of life as you can get for helping others. Night after night you protect people who don't realize what you are doing and never get thanked by the countless people you save. I think for all that you do for them you should get something for all your work. I just want to help you get your chance to get it." 

Buffy gives me a gentle smile and pulls me closer. "What if I want you?" she whispers. 

For a second, everything stops. I feel like someone just pressed pause on my life when she uttered those words. No breathing, no heartbeats, not even the air around us moves for a moment as I absorb the thought. 

Buffy breaks the stillness as she moves forward and presses her lips to mine. I think my heart just broke the zero to sixty speed record as I surrender to the feeling. Her lips are gentle and passionate as they caress mine. 

Slowly she pulls me toward her as I begin to kiss her back. I held myself over her continuing the kiss and her hands move to the buttons of my shirt. Buffy fumbled with one before giving up and tearing the shirt off me. Gotta love Slayer Strength. 

Buffy rolls us over not breaking the bond of our lips. Her cool hands slide down my chest to the waist of my pants. My mind is completely focused on her lips and tongue that forces its way into my mouth. I don't try to stop it just accept it as her tongue duels with mine. After a while, she finally breaks the kiss, leaning back and find myself on a new tableau. 

Somehow, while I was concentrating on the kiss, Buffy removed all our clothes. I let my eyes roam across her body and admire the pale beauty of the Slayer. My Slayer at last. Buffy moves her head down to my chest placing cool kisses over my burning flesh. She slowly makes her way to my neck and the lobe of my ear. 

"I want you to be mine," Buffy whispers to me. 

"I am yours," I moan out as her tongue flicks out to stroke my neck. "Always yours." 

"Good," I hear her say before her fangs pierce my neck. 

I begin to fade in and out of consciousness before she stops and pulls away. She draws a fingernail across her throat and pulls my head to the wound. I drink as much of the liquid as I can before Buffy lets my head rest back on my pillows. I have one last thought before I surrender to the abyss. 

I always knew she'd be the death of me. I'm glad to see I was right. 

********** 

End? 

***   
  



	2. He's Mine Now

Title: He's Mine Now(1/1)   
Sequel to Death of Me 

Author: Raven's Bard   
E-mail: ravensbard78@yahoo.com   
Pairing: BX   
Disclaimer: Nothing in the Buffyverse belongs to me. Joss owns it all.   
Rating: R   
Spoilers: Start of fourth season   
Distribution: Just tell me where it's going.   
Summary: Buffy's thoughts while waiting for Xander to rise.   
Notes: Felt like filling you guys in on her thoughts before starting the fun. Thanks to Anthony for giving me this plan... well, the basic outline anyway. I'm still writing the New Start Universe. 

********** 

He's mine now. 

But then, he always was. No matter who he was with he was still mine. Everyone knew it. Even those that Xander was seeing knew. Willow confessed to me that she knew Xander wasn't completely with her when they were sharing those stolen kisses. Part of him was holding back and it wasn't for Cordelia. 

I think Cordelia knew too. She was always sending knowing glances at him when he looked at me. She could tell his heart didn't belong to her. It never did. 

His Passion? Yes. 

His Caring? Yes. 

But his Love? No. That I had from the first time we met. A part of me knew from the beginning, but the rest of me wasn't ready to see. It took getting turned into a vampire to realize how much he meant to me. Enough that I want eternity with him at my side. 

Xander was the last thing I thought of when I died and the first thing I thought of when I rose. Right before that pathetic worm spoke. 

I can't believe a fledgling turned me. He was the only one out of six that I didn't get and by then I was too weak from the fight with the others to resist. He thought that with the Slayer as his queen he'd rule this town. He'd have been right if I didn't already have other plans. He was a might upset when I turned him down. He practically fell apart at the idea. I guess a stake to the heart does that to a guy. 

The only one who had earned the right to rule with me was Xander. Xander had everything I wanted in a companion. 

Intelligence. Military intelligence, to be precise, as well as a natural intelligence he keeps hidden most of the time. 

Brutality. I heard about that aspect of him from the Wishverse's Willow. 

And Devotion. Xander had more than enough of that as a human. As my Childe, I'll never have to be alone again. He would never leave or betray me. 

I look down on his resting features as I wait for him to rise. Only a little while longer until nightfall. Then we can leave this dump, grab a few bites to eat, and decide where to go from here. I get off his bed to pace as I think. Tough choice on where we should go. Sunnydale or elsewhere? 

Sunnydale has the Scooby gang, and while it might be fun to get rid of them, the main reason to kill them would be to do away with the curse. They also have the nice don't ask, don't tell policy with the supernatural here. I don't care about the Hellmouth, though. Hell on earth doesn't appeal to me, especially if I'm not going to be the one ruling it. 

Elsewhere does have possibilities though. Sunnydale is boring. Been there, done that. Someplace new would be nice. As long as we destroy the curse before leaving, everything should be fine. Last I knew Willow had the only copy of the curse at the dorms. Should be simple enough to trick her into letting us in. 

Or we could just kill her. That would cancel the invitation problem. 

Then we just let what's left of the gang fall apart. Without a Slayer around to give them a purpose here, Oz and Giles should just disappear. Xander and I can always kill them later if we want. That will just leave one thing to face. 

Angel. 

His group is the only one we have to worry about. The Watchers will have their Kendra clones so I'm not concerned about them, but Angel might cause problems if Xander and I don't get rid of him. 

I turn back to Xander and find him facing me sitting on the bed. The pronounced ridges apparent and his golden eyes watching me closely. The desire showing Xander's demonic features draw mine out as well. 

"Awake at last," I say as I move to him. "Why didn't you say anything?" 

"Didn't want to interrupt your thoughts. Besides, I was enjoying the view," Xander smirks. "What were you thinking about?" 

"Our plans," I answer simply. 

"Who are we going to kill first? Willow?" he asks knowingly. Xander always could read me so well. Glad to see that carried over too. 

"Yep. Curse girl first, then we can decide what to do with the others." 

He nods and draws me closer. I feel the bond between sire and childe strengthen in response. I can feel him inside my head whispering his need to be with me. For a moment, I consider holding him back since night has fallen and the sooner we get this done the better. 

As I try to tell myself to stop this, Xander's taloned hands caress my back through the thin shirt increasing my desire and weakening my resolve. But it is when Xander nuzzles my neck, lightly drawing his fangs across my throat sending shivers down to my core that I surrender. With a thought, I release my passion on him, filling Xander's mind as I clasp his lips to mine. 

Killing Willow can wait for an hour. 

*** 

It was our need to feed that drew us out of the dank basement. We decided to let Xander's parents live to keep the others from becoming suspicious. We could make it look like he left later. 

My thoughts drifted as we headed towards Oz's place. Our control for newborn vampires seemed unusual, but I wasn't worried about it yet. Together we could discover what else might be different. 

A couple out after dark made for a nice appetizer, but we had to save room for Willow. And less than a minute later we spotted her walking back to the dorms arm in arm with Oz. 

"Willow!" Xander calls out as we walk up. "Whatcha up to? Where you goin'? Care to join us?" 

"Xander? What are you doing here?" Willow asks before noticing me. "You found Buffy. See, I told you she was fine." Better than ever. 

"Yeah, I stopped by to see him last night and he suggested getting together tonight," I say with a grin. "So what are you two up to?" 

"Oz was just walking me home. I have a lot of studying to do for that psych test." 

I notice Oz looking at both of us warily. Damn werewolf might be able to sense something wrong. 

"Xand and I were thinking of heading over to the ice cream place for a snack. Care to join us?" I mention, trying to set Oz at ease. Xander picks up on my thought. 

"I'll pay," he adds. 

"Well, I guess I can wait a little longer. Come on, Oz. Let's go," says Willow cheerfully. 

Xander and I lead the two in the general direction of the ice cream parlor, which just happens to be away from the campus and any possible help. A glance at Xander tells him we're far enough. He walks a few more steps as I turn back and move closer to Willow and Oz. 

"Hey, Willow. I know this may seem a bit sudden, but there is something I think I should tell you." Willow's eyes show her concern and attention as Xander walks up on my right side. "I decided that I want to be with Xander... as something more than friends." 

Willow lets out a startled "eep" and then jumps forward wrapping her arms around me. "About time! This is so great! Don't you think Oz?" she asks turning to her boyfriend. 

What she sees isn't what she expected. Namely Xander draining him with his hand clasped over his mouth to cut off his screams. Willow turns to me, I suppose to ask for help, but my vampiric visage stifles her pleas. 

"I decided to make him mine forever. And that means getting rid of all obstacles, including you and your little curse," I tell her before lunging for her neck. Her fear and despair wash over me as I draw out her lifeblood. I relish in Willow's pain and feel Xander awaken our bond to let me feel his feeding. Oz's agony is sweet as it mixes with Willow's fading emotions. 

We let their bodies fall at our feet after we are done. Xander pulls me to him and removes the last traces of Willow's blood from my lips. 

"Yum," he whispers. "Shall we go, My Lady?" 

"Of course, My Knight," I say playing along. "We have much to do." 

He holds me close and we make our way into the night. 

Together at last. The way we were meant to be. 

********** 

End? 

***   
  
  
  



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